wellness wednesday

I’m Not There Yet & That’s Okay

People say that in your 20s, it’s your prime time to “find yourself” and “discover who you are” because “these are the best years of your life.” Wow, I may have overused the quotation marks just a tad there but that was probably to mask the nauseating feeling I get whenever I hear the words “find yourself.”

As I veer into my “late” 20s, it is apparent I have hit the stage where large life changes are happening around me. I’ve experienced a few of them as well. But many of them I haven’t and you know what? That’s okay.

I’ve had many discussions with friends of mine about the rush for getting married, having kids, buying a house, getting the dream position at your dream job, travelling the world, and having life figured out before the age of 30. That’s bullshit. Life isn’t a race. Yet we’re forced into this snow globe where we make our lives look so pretty on the outside and meanwhile we’re trapped in a bubble of self-comparison to others’ and where they are in life.

Allow me to self-reflect:

  • I’m 26 turning 27 in a few months
  • I’m not engaged
  • I don’t have kids
  • I’m not even remotely thinking of having kids
  • I am still paying off OSAP
  • I’m still paying off my car
  • I’m still in school
  • I recently obtained my master’s degree
  • I am still very early in my career, but am blessed to be working in the field I want to be working in
  • I have an amazing partner (now roommate)
  • I do not [entirely] love my body in its current form
  • I have some good habits (i.e. meditation, yoga)

It’s so much easier said than done to say “I’m not going to care what others think of me” or “I don’t care that I’m not as far in life as other people” but how can we not fall into the traps of self-comparison when social media has taken over our lives? It seems like everyone is trying to “one-up” each other by having a bigger, better wedding, or posting the better selfie, or posting how wonderful their lives are because they are part of some pyramid-scheme business (probably) and making “so much money” before the age of 30. Meanwhile, my life feels incredibly uneventful because I’m being unapologetically selfish about having to work and do school because I am one of the few people in any of my friend circles still in school.

In the list above, the things I don’t have yet or have not done yet are not things I’m bothered by. And I am proud of myself for being able to say that. I’m not in a rush for things to happen. I have been working so hard on different aspects of my life and have done so in private. I’m not ashamed of where I am in life. And I am SO incredibly happy for my friends and family who ARE at different stages of life. It’s a messy time. Everyone is doing his or her own thing, and I honestly think that is so awesome. I think we need to support each other for what they are doing or where they are.

I found this picture on Instagram a while ago, and I think it sums it up what this rambling post hasn’t said yet: the definition of “behind in life” is subjective and the “timetable of life” is really individualized.

As my dad always used to tell me (from one overly anxious individual to another), “don’t worry about the things you can’t control.” I’m choosing to enjoy every moment of every day instead of rushing towards “the next big thing.” The things I can control, I’m working on them. I’m happy for others and where they are in life and am open to listen if they are unhappy. I’m happy where I am and where life is going. There will always be something where I will say “I’m not there yet” and it really is okay. 69603287_667367610428598_8774124848604512256_n.jpg

 

Unapologetically Selfish

I was on Instagram yesterday and came across a picture that really upset me. This is what it said:Screen Shot 2019-05-28 at 10.11.04 PM.png

I don’t know if I was hangry and it struck a nerve the wrong way or what, but my first thought reading it was, “you don’t know my life!”

I’ve reached the point in my life where I don’t even bother complaining about being so busy. This is the path I’ve chosen. I suppose I’ve reached a state of complacency. This is the new normal. It has been for almost four years now.

I work full time. I am enrolled in classes for my BCBA credential which I watch videos for every day after work. And in between all of that, I find time to sleep, eat, exercise, errands, and maybe if I’m lucky, I will get to spend time mindlessly scrolling on my phone or reading a book, or texting a friend to check in. I don’t even have free weekends. The downside of working full time is the only spare time I have for my online meeting and tests is on the weekend. Saturday mornings, too. Thank goodness I’m a morning person. But that eats up time I have and takes it away from someone else.

Guilt is such a useless emotion, yet one that seems to overpower me at least once a week. I succumb to my anxiety and get overwhelmed by the guilt of not being a good enough friend because I still haven’t invited them over, or made plans to see them, or have texted them to check in, or any of those emotions. I feel guilty when my schedule doesn’t align with my mom’s and I can’t help her run errands or even come in for a visit after work because it doesn’t line up right. I feel guilty and I cry about it, which takes me further away from my to-do list and further into a hole of self-loathing and shallow breaths.

Then I read that quote: “If they truly care, they will make time.”

And I’m crying all over again.

It’s not that I don’t care about you. If you are my friend, and truly my friend, you would try to understand and be patient with me. Maybe I can’t meet up in person but we could chat over video messaging, a phone call, text, it’s 2019 for goodness sake! But know that it’s not that I don’t care about you. It’s that I care about me.

What kind of friend would I be if I agreed to hang out and wasn’t really listening to our conversation because I was going over my to-do list in my head the entire time? Sitting there and suppressing every negative thought I have only to potentially have a panic attack the second I get in my car? I love you. I do. But one of my methods of getting through the week is setting up a “time budget” where I allocate my time into rough categories. It helps me feel safe, with flexible boundaries, and organized. I am calm when things are organized. It is not that I don’t want to make time for you or that you’re not important, but at this stage in my life, I have other things that are important to me and my well-being.

As a lovely friend stated last night, “if you truly care, you won’t ask someone to overextend themselves when they’re too busy.”

I’m doing the best I can with the time I have and the circumstances I have chosen or have been handed to me. And for that, I am unapologetically selfish.