Author: frompanictoplate

My Whole 30 Journey

If you creep far enough back on my personal instagram page, you would have seen various pictures of food starting on September 6th, 2016.

That was the fateful day I started Whole 30 for the first time. After the 30 days, I lost about 15lbs and several inches.

But first, let’s back up – let’s review the basics: What is Whole 30?

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Three Years Later

Dearest daddio,

They say it gets better as time goes on. Well, here it is – three years later since I last held your hand and kissed you goodbye – and the pain feels fresh again like an open wound.

Each day this past week, it felt as if I was re-living everything all over again. There were grief triggers everywhere. And today, my drive home felt exactly like it did that very day three years ago. My snow tires were put on fresh, and the first heavy snowfall I have experienced this season hit hard and fast.

It’s hard to believe it has been three years. In many ways, it feels like barely any time has passed. In many more ways, I don’t even feel as though I am the same person I was when you left.

I graduated from my undergrad, I started my masters degree (and I am almost finished it!), I got a good job after graduation, I left that job for a job closer to home that I love, I got a new car, mom and I got a new place, I fell out of love, I dated, I found a boy who is everything you could ever hope for me and more (you would love him), and I have learned to love and appreciate the parts of myself that are more like you every day.

Mom is quick to tell me my road rage is similar to yours – but she doesn’t need to tell me that for me to know. Every time I scream in my car because a car is following too closely, I hear your voice. I’m more outspoken than I was – sometimes that is a good thing, and maybe other times, it isn’t. I’ve also started taking more time to do the things I love to do and taking time for myself. Whenever I feel as though I am piling too much on my plate, I hear your voice in the back of my mind.

You used to tell me all the time, you can’t worry about the things you can’t control – an ironic statement as anxiety flows through our family’s veins. While I could not control what happened to you, I try to take that statement with me and do my best not to sweat the small things or what the future may hold.

I could go on and on about all the life lessons you taught me but let me just say, I miss your voice and I miss your laugh more than anything in the world. I miss your terrible jokes that I have heard a million times but it would mean the world to me if I could hear the stupid “Little Johnny” joke with him and the bicycle.

I love you and I know you are with me every step of my journey – the signs are everywhere. I hope to continue to make you proud in everything I do and in everything that I am.

With love always,
your little leftover ❤

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An Anxious Minute

Inhale…

I am trapped in my mind and sometimes, I don’t know how to escape it.

A rolling script plays in my mind with all of the items on my to-do list. The anxious side of my brain is screaming. “You have to get them done! What are you doing sitting around?” The depressed side of my brain lacks motivation and drive and I sit still and lifeless. The response effort just to type this post is almost unbearably too high.

Two minutes ago, I was asked, “how are you?” Without hesitation, I responded, “Good, thanks, how are you?”

I’m not good. Why is it so easy to lie like that? Putting up a fake front to others is so easy for me. Almost too easy. If I go too long putting on the fake, happy front, I literally feel exhausted afterwards.

Exhale.

I forget to breathe sometimes. Steady breaths. I haven’t been to therapy in about a year. I was tired of paying someone to teach me techniques I could learn from Pinterest posts.

Inhale.

Five things I see: a door, the tv, my boots, my phone, my thumbs typing this post.

Exhale. It’s not working. What a stupid exercise.

Inhale.

How many other people around me are pretending to be someone they’re not?

Exhale.

My current heart rate has decreased from 104 to 88. I have turned on the Relax function on my FitBit.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

This will pass, I tell myself. This will pass.

It’s just an anxious minute.

Let’s Talk About Self-Care

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Dr. Seuss once said, “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

And isn’t that the truth? After all, you are the only you that exists. Yet sometimes in the craziness of life, we are so busy taking care of others around us that we don’t take the time to take care of ourselves. In recent years, I have started to take the time and do things to take care of myself and what a difference it has made!

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My Favourite Cauliflower Rice Recipe

I love cauliflower rice. I discovered it in my Whole 30 days and haven’t looked back. It can be a pain to make if you’re grating the cauliflower by hand, but a food processor is a saving grace to have. Alternatively, some grocery stores sell pre-grated cauliflower which is what I used in this meal (thank you, Farm Boy).

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